Trying to find your voice can be the most difficult thing in an abusive relationship. Now, when I say abusive, it doesn't always mean physical abuse. It can be physical, verbal, passive, control, bullying...and so on. I will say I put up with every one of these things through out my life. My first marriage was all the techniques above in many different ways. The physical abuse didn't start til near the end. It is what ended my marriage to this man. Through out our marriage we were both drug addicts. At first it was fun, but then he began making me watch porn for hours with him and forcing me to do things sexually I did not want to do. He begged and screwed with my head to convince me to allow other women in bed with us, which we never did. He would force me to do drugs even though I pleaded with him not to buy them, I was weak and the sight of them made me want them. He knew that so he would buy them, bring them around without my permission, then I would do them and the abuse began. He made me feel like I wasn't desirable unless we were drugged out. He would immediately break out the video camera, make me put on lingerie I didn't like to wear ( I used to be very overweight, I didn't enjoy being seen naked.) He would make me watch his favorite porn scenes and be like the girl on the video, and say the things they would say, do the things they did. I hated every moment of it, but I felt completely powerless and confused. I did them all, and felt horrible inside. I can't count how many times I would say no. No more drugs, please, no more...just to get ignored.
Once I got the drug use slightly under control, the alcoholism, on his part began. I was never an alcoholic. I don't enjoy being drunk, never have. He would get hammered nearly daily. If there was a shortage on a bottle of liquor he liked, I got yelled at and made to go to the store to buy more, even if we were on our last few dollars before payday. The kids were never put first. When we would plan family events, we wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere if there was no alcohol available. We didn't go out very much. The alcoholism was so bad my family was questioning things. He would go to my parents house and guzzle down their liquor til he was passing out on their couch. It was so embarrassing and I had to cover for him. He would get so smashed to where he was passing out nightly. If I would try to wake him, and I always did because I would be mad, I would get called a whore, bitch, stupid, fat, ugly, slut, and many combinations of the entire grouping of bad words I listed. Him being drunk almost always led to a fight. When we were at a restaurant, he would sit and run up a huge bill ordering drinks, then he would start flirting with the waitresses, embarrassing me again. He would make it a point to go to that same restaurant, sit in the bar section as long as the bar tender was a pretty girl in tight clothes so he could flirt with her. He told me he does it on purpose so I would get jealous and mad. After our divorce he told me he did it so I would lose weight and try to look as good as those girls. That was painful. I did lose a lot of weight, let my hair grow out, like he wanted, got a good job, just to piss him off, not for him, but to spite him. It made him very mad that I looked so good for another man, but not for him. I did not even want to be pretty for him. I didn't want him to want to touch me. I hated him with a passion for the things he did to me. The stuff I wrote above doesn't even describe a small part of it.
I will continue my story and hope to guide others find themselves, just like I did. Please feel free to reach out to me with your stories and questions. I can help you find freedom, love, and happiness!
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