This kid touched my heart

Today I was playing my online game on my phone. There is a chat on there that I usually don't participate in but there is a 16yr old kid on there who was being bullied and picked on by a few others. I just piped in to try to tell everyone to knock it off. Then he messages me and spills his guts, talking about how bad his life is and how he wants to kill his father for how poor he is treated.
All I could do was talk with the kid. I wanted to help him feel better. So I let him describe all the horrific feelings that were flowing through him and how he has basically given up on life and is set on going to jail for murder. My heart broke for him. I know I have and never will meet this kid but I understand what he feels.
I when I was a teen was a very hostile angry person inside. I too thought like him in ways. So all I could do is tell him how i understand him and that he is better than the way he feels now and that he will be able to rise above it. That his life is more valuable and he will see and understand one day. It may take years to fully break away from the feelings but he has to not let them consume him into doing something regrettable. I don't know this kid but I kind of felt like I had to help him. We spoke for an hour or so. Finally in the end I think I helped him see that he has a future ahead of him and that it hurts NOW but it will be better in time. He finally broke and said he doesn't wish to harm anyone and said he was crying.
I know that life isn't perfect and for some it is terrible so bad it makes you desperate to attack. Every move you make shapes your future.  Look ahead and think about what you want for yourself. Is prison and death your answer? I think not.

Learning to use the gift of gab wisely

I get it.. not everyone is going to be nice to each other, and that is ok because it is expected.  Sometimes when we are hurt or angry we take it out on others. It is when we abuse our privilege of being able to speak freely that we go overboard.  Talking down to someone because you think it makes you look stronger just prays on ignorance.  It makes you look desperate and needy especially for attention. For those who say they love everyone and say their goals are to help people feel good about themselves,  then turn around and attack others makes you out to be a fake. Then there are those who just consistently have the need to bash others are doing it for a very sad reason. Don't allow them to win by getting to you or you yourself will be dragged down to the same level. Instead help them get up to yours.

Keeping on

Criticism is a nasty thing we all have to deal with. We can't expect everyone to accept everything we do. There will be people who make fun of us and hurt us intentionally. 
The people who accuse people wrongly and try to hurt someone by accusations are the ones who damage others.
It isn't right or fair to others. We must learn to love and accept one another. What is the point of intentionally hurting others. It doesn't make you look better and because you say it doesn't make it true. To purposely try to ruin peoples lives and relationships is WRONG. If you can't accept yourself and love yourself (not be IN LOVE with yourself) there is a difference then you will NEVER truly be happy.

Allowing someone to control you

It is crazy how I used to assume marriage and a relationship was supposed to work. I knew ultimately that things weren't right, but I also thought it wasn't so bad. I thought there was something wrong with ME for the longest time because it wasn't just him that was mean to me, his mom was too. He spent most of his time trying to convince me to let him buy drugs and TELLING, not asking, me to go buy liquor for him. I just dealt with it and kept slinking lower and lower into myself to where I thought I really was pathetic and worthless.  I used to tell people I was completely talentless and couldn't do anything right because that is what I was told by them.. I figured it must be true.
I was pretty good at pretending things were ok in front of my family. The only times I ever complained was when he really upset me by getting drunk and calling me a bunch of bad names. They always told me to leave but I thought it would be better eventually. Within the last 2 years of our marriage,  I started telling friends at work how much I wanted a divorce, but I had no idea how.. he told me over and over throughout the years that I would NEVER make it without him. He told me I would never have a career or be successful in anything and I believed that. I was so nervous to go try anything that I often screwed up job interviews and lab tests in college because he would be in my head telling me I can't do it, then his mom would pop in telling me I wasn't good enough to do it. After a while I gave up on everything. I just quit trying and sat at home and got lazy like he wanted.
After that wasn't good enough for him, he started telling me how much better all his friends teenager girlfriends were than me and how I should hang out with them in order to be like them. It was all for his own personal pleasure to have them around. Then he would brag about his sister buying a nice home or a new car and then tell me I can't have nice things because I'm not good enough for them.
Even nearly 3 years after leaving him he still sends me messages monthly telling me I am trash and worthless then goes and tells anyone who will listen and agree with him. It is sad he can't just move on and leave it alone but no... his ultimate goal is to hurt me in life and try his best to destroy anything good that comes my way. He has even threatened to have his friends tell my husband I cheated on him with them just so he would leave me. He sets me up with questions he knows will anger me so he can take it to a lawyer and attempt to get my visitation with my kids taken away. I am sure his lawyer is actually his mother but it is the problem that comes out of his mouth that is hurtful. I just wish he would just stop and leave me alone. I don't understand why I deserve to be treated this way. I am not mean to him. He will never ever be happy with life until I am starving, homeless, addicted to crack, in jail, and never able to see my kids again. I have news for him, it will NEVER happen...

What is real beauty?

Harshness of a word

People aren't always the nicest to each other. I know, I am not always polite. The way one speaks to another can be the fine line between making someone smile and making someone completely suicidal.

How being bullied can ruin your life

I was bullied. . Bullied as a kid, and badly in my teens years. As a young kid it didn't affect me.. as a teen, it still haunts me into my 30's. I was bullied by my ex husband so badly that even after 2 1/2 years of divorce I still don't have my witt about me. I often find myself getting frustrated in stressful situations because I feel like if I don't do everything perfect that someone is gonna come scold me for it or call me names. Sometimes when someone gets heated with me for little things, like if I don't understand them or if I can't answer their questions it scares me.
I used to get called stupid a lot. I know I am not stupid...but I always feel as if everyone else thinks I am. It was because of years and years of being told I was that my confidence in myself is feeble. 
It is sad really what a bully can do to a person.  It can wreck them completely, it can cause them to hold themselves back, to be afraid to move up, to be afraid to live. IT HAS TO STOP!

Covering up the problem

I was really good at making up excuses for what was going on in my house. I was never the type in the past that would take credit for my mistakes. I always blaned it on someone or something else. I catch myself doing still sometimes and quickly try to correct myself.
The first time he hurt me, I mean when he choked me out, the next day I made excuses for him and forgave him like an idiot.. the next time when he hit me, threw me out of a moving truck and threatened to kill me I again made up stupid excuses partially blaming myself for his actions. I again forgave..
I packed up and left him because he wasn't holding up his end of the bargain,  no drugs or alcohol amd getting help. . He still hasn't forgave me. He still calls me names and manipulates me, he tricks me, he uses our kids against me for his gain.. and he expects me to respect him and cower to him.. I don't know what world he is living in because I am a changed girl!

Workplace Bullying

Many adults believe bullying stops after high school and college but that isn't always the case. Bullies in the workplace are becoming more and more common due to the changes in generation to generation differences. We have all seem movies with bad bosses yelling at employees and treating them badly but from my experience that isn't usually the case, although I am not saying it doesn't happen often.
My personal experience has to do with coworkers. When I worked in the oil and gas industry, I worked with all men. I was the only female on a crew of about 10. Most guys were nice but there was one who stands out to me. He would stop working just to throw things at me, and this wasn't being flirty. He would throw garbage at me then yell at me to throw it away because I was a girl and that was my job. He would also ask me for supplies but very quietly so I couldn't hear him then he would yell at me and call me stupid as soon as he gained attention from the other guys. That was bullying.
I also have worked in a big name retail store where my manager being of a different race would make me do all the extra work, work late hours and would never give me a decent schedule but with the people of her race, they got the shifts they asked for and were never asked to do any work at all. I was always told to do their work.
I have worked in offices where a coworker would purposely catch me off guard to ask simple questions, when I would say, what? He would laugh in front of coworkers and customers and call me stupid or made it out as I don't know anything.
My ex husband was and still is a bully. He constantly demands money from me for random things he claims is for our kids but.in reality, he is using to buy himself and his girlfriend gifts. When I don't give, he calls me names and threatens me. He makes up debts owed and threatens to sue me if I don't pay them. He is a bully.
I have personally been a victim of bullying since I was a kid. As an adult I learn to shrug it off and not let it effect my daily routine. I know it is hard. Many days I sit and ponder on it all day and I get so mad I can't think clearly but I have tp remember that I am better than giving in. I have to take a breath, cry a little sometimes then work through the bad. Don't let bullying harm you. You are better than that. Nust because someone is intentionally hurting you, doesn't mean what they say is true. They may just be jealous, envious, or upset with something more personal, so don't take it personally.

Control IS Abuse

Many of you don't realize your are in a controlling relationship. I know I never did. People kept saying towards the end of my marriage that I needed to stand up for myself. I didn't know why. I thought I had a perfect amount of say in our marriage since I took care of paying bills, cleaning, the kids, groceries, errands.. and so on and so on.. until one day I realized, I was doing EVERYTHING other than going to work. My ex husband never lifted a finger period other than going to his job. Both kids, he rarely fed them or changed a diaper. He NEVER got up in the middle of the night to care for them, he would throw a fit if I asked him to change diapers. He would say, I was the woman, that was my job. That was control.
I wasn't allowed to work. He didn't stop me from going out to find a job, it was just I had to find one with the same hours and days off as him or no go. That was about impossible. When I did get a job, after I would get a paycheck or two, he would throw fits about me going because he would have to sit with the kids..which never happened. They went to daycare or his family's house. So within a month I was forced to quit my job, even if I liked it. That was control.
His mom and sister were very rude with me. They would constantly criticize, well everything I did, even if I did the same as them..not good enough. If I went shopping for anything other than house hold stuff, I was nagged about being selfish and spending on myself, even though they did that daily. If I would go tan or to the salon I would get ridiculed for spending on myself although they did that and spent way more than me. When I went and got a tattoo, that erupted big time. They were so mad they immediately tattled to my ex and he got mad at me for spending. They would criticize my parenting and tell me I needed to be like his sister, who had no kids at that time.. but I was a bad mom for working and not staying with the kids and when I didn't work, I was bad for not earning an income. No matter what I was a terrible person and he would defend THEM. That was control.
I was told, not asked every time he decided to change jobs and we would move across the country, which was well over 25 times in 9 years. I had to pack everything ALONE. I had to unpack ALONE. That was control.
It got to where he stopped asking if he could buy drugs. He just brought them home even though I would beg him to quit so I could quit. I had no willpower.. He stopped asking if he could go to the bar with his friends if they got off early. He would just come home drunk, and with an 80$ plus bar tab on our bank account. It always ended in a bad fight because the lies would roll in about what kind of bar he went to would pour in. It was always some hole in the wall place that turned out being somewhere where some girl who liked him worked that was super hot and wore skimpy clothes or as far as I know, they "accidentally" went to the strip clubs. He said he didnt know..ya right. That was control.
There is so many ways to look at control. I could go on for miles about my struggle. But I just wanted to share some insight on the subject and maybe help you identify what or who is controlling you!

Abuse can be more than the word itself

A lot of you hear that someone has been abused and you automatically assume physical abuse. There are a great multitude of types pf abuse and I would like to delve into the subject a little deeper.
1) Physical Abuse is as we know where one person is harming another by sustaining damage to their physical body. My ex husband has choked me and hit me in the face. That was physical abuse.
2) Mental abuse is where someone is verbally assaulting you. I had been through a lot of verbal abuse in my day. As a teen I was called names such as fat, ugly, freak, gay, weirdo, and so on. As an adult my ex would get drunk and call me stupid, he called me that a lot. He would call me a whore, bitch, which he called me nearly everyday, I hated that, when he was real mad I was a fat, ugly, slut.
3) Bullies are something we all know is there. Some if us were affected by it, some were not, and some of us were the bully. I was bullied since elementary school. Not just by students but by teachers as well. My first grade teacher would give me detention damn near daily, she went through my backpack to see if I brought toys to school or my security blanket, which I carried everywhere back then. I would get detention for that. She said I would never amount to anything and I was incapable of learning. She was wrong. Students called me names as a kid, I never knew why. In high school I was picked on by the popular kids daily. The cheerleaders would set me up intentionally with random things just to embarrass me. The principal even picked on me. He would send me home for my clothes saying they were inappropriate, I dressed different but never inappropriate, even though the popular girls always had on shorts way way too short for school. They forced me to chose between the 2 things I loved doing. Music and basketball. I chose music and became an instant social outcast, but one of the popular boys got to do both.. hmmm. I was bullied by my ex into doing drugs, random sex acts I was not comfortable with, and babysitting for his friends teen girlfriends while they all went out. I don't do babysitting. I was ALWAYS bullied.
4)Self harm is an abuse most don't think about. It involves cutting, choking, drugs, alcohol...anything that casues pain. I did a lot of that. I started cutting myself in high school during my senior year. That was the hardest year for me. That year I gave up all hope in life and isolated myself from the world. I went through a lot. I was dumped by a boy who I was "in love" with, I ran away for him, I was sold for drugs, used, I returned home and to high school just to be kicked around even harder. I started cutting and scratching my arms and legs when I was angry, which was every day. I also began drinking a lot. I would sit in my room playing the guitar I stole, with a hidden bottle of brandy, would tear up my clothes and make new ones that were weird and dye my hair pink, pierce my face, just to rebel against everyone. I didn't care anymore. I smoked a lot, I stole cigarettes from my grandpa.. sorry grandpa.. and would steal anything and everything from friends and family. With the guilt, I would cut myself.

These are just some examples of abuse. There are many more fine details out there. If anyone has questions or would like to share some info or a story, please feel open to contact me. I would love to hear from you!

When You Never Thought He Would Hit You.

During those alcohol/drug driven days, I became more and more afraid of being around my husband. He would come home from work and before anything, walk over to the liquor cabinet and pour a rum and Coke or Jack and Coke. Then alternate between that and beer for the rest of the night. It became an everyday thing and on the weekends, from about noon til bed, it was a non stop drunk fest. I hated it so much. I got to where I would dread 5pm since that is when he got off work. My days at home, a stay at home mom, which I hated, I would spend the day cleaning, watching after my son, watching TV shows I liked that I didn't get to watch when he was home, and running errands. It was the same routine everyday. I was bored and depressed. I was always angry and looking for a way out. 
It was when we lived in North Carolina and he worked out of state was the only time I was happy. He came home on weekends, which I hated. I would have preferred him not to come home at all. I was free to go out with friends, have a job, and do what I wanted. But when he was home, it was nothing but drugs and getting drunk. It was the night of a Nascar race in Concord, NC was the first time he physically attacked me. We got drunk, went to the race, had a great time, walked home (Across the street from the track) and there was a party with young drunk college kids in our yard. He instantly started inviting them over to take shots and hang out. I was trying to get the kids in bed but there was no way that was happening with young drunk guys and girls flowing in and out. He LOVED hanging out with young college aged people, especially if there was young girls there. He knew I hated it. We were 10 years older than them. He still had the thought he was gonna get lucky with a young girl in our bed. After about an hour of this, I got mad and went off on him. That as you can imagine, did not go to well. He snapped on me, didn't say a word, pushed me down on the couch, jumped on me and started choking me, saying, "die bitch." The door was wide open, no one bothered to come in and help me. My kids were about 8 feet away, awake and scared. I couldn't breathe and was getting dizzy. He still had his hands tight around my neck, holding me down with all his weight. I kicked him hard in the chest, throwing him backwards onto the floor and off of me. I didn't even regain myself, I jumped up and grabbed the kids and ran to the neighbors house, who happened to be his sister. I hid out there that night trying to figure out things. That idiot didn't even bother to come after me, he just passed out. The next morning he realized what happened and I was an idiot and forgave him. I was very stupid before. I ALWAYS forgave him for all the abuse, and the mean words, all the women chasing he did. All the, inviting young girls over to hang out, hoping to get me drugged up for his own personal gain. I despised this man more than any person I have ever hated, but I always forgave him.
Why do we torture ourselves like this? For love? Because we are afraid? Because we don't think we could make it without the other? Because we fear what they would do to us if we left? All of those I felt. I took years for me to get the courage and strength to act. Years of agony, pain, depression, loathing, and anger. It makes future relationships hard. I have been with my new husband for almost 3 years. I still have a lot of trust issues. I get overly jealous when we see a young beautiful woman flaunting herself. I get highly angry with him over just the small things, because that is what my ex would do. My husband is not abusive, he doesn't use drugs and rarely drinks. He is a wonderful man and he has made my life so happy, I just can't help but push him for fear of being hurt. 

Don't Let Him Lead You: Putting up with Control

Trying to find your voice can be the most difficult thing in an abusive relationship. Now, when I say abusive, it doesn't always mean physical abuse. It can be physical, verbal, passive, control, bullying...and so on. I will say I put up with every one of these things through out my life. My first marriage was all the techniques above in many different ways. The physical abuse didn't start til near the end. It is what ended my marriage to this man. Through out our marriage we were both drug addicts. At first it was fun, but then he began making me watch porn for hours with him and forcing me to do things sexually I did not want to do. He begged and screwed with my head to convince me to allow other women in bed with us, which we never did. He would force me to do drugs even though I pleaded with him not to buy them, I was weak and the sight of them made me want them. He knew that so he would buy them, bring them around without my permission, then I would do them and the abuse began. He made me feel like I wasn't desirable unless we were drugged out. He would immediately break out the video camera, make me put on lingerie I didn't like to wear ( I used to be very overweight, I didn't enjoy being seen naked.) He would make me watch his favorite porn scenes and be like the girl on the video, and say the things they would say, do the things they did. I hated every moment of it, but I felt completely powerless and confused. I did them all, and felt horrible inside. I can't count how many times I would say no. No more drugs, please, no more...just to get ignored.
Once I got the drug use slightly under control, the alcoholism, on his part began. I was never an alcoholic. I don't enjoy being drunk, never have. He would get hammered nearly daily. If there was a shortage on a bottle of liquor he liked, I got yelled at and made to go to the store to buy more, even if we were on our last few dollars before payday. The kids were never put first. When we would plan family events, we wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere if there was no alcohol available. We didn't go out very much. The alcoholism was so bad my family was questioning things. He would go to my parents house and guzzle down their liquor til he was passing out on their couch. It was so embarrassing and I had to cover for him. He would get so smashed to where he was passing out nightly. If I would try to wake him, and I always did because I would be mad, I would get called a whore, bitch, stupid, fat, ugly, slut, and many combinations of the entire grouping of bad words I listed. Him being drunk almost always led to a fight. When we were at a restaurant, he would sit and run up a huge bill ordering drinks, then he would start flirting with the waitresses, embarrassing me again. He would make it a point to go to that same restaurant, sit in the bar section as long as the bar tender was a pretty girl in tight clothes so he could flirt with her. He told me he does it on purpose so I would get jealous and mad. After our divorce he told me he did it so I would lose weight and try to look as good as those girls. That was painful. I did lose a lot of weight, let my hair grow out, like he wanted, got a good job, just to piss him off, not for him, but to spite him. It made him very mad that I looked so good for another man, but not for him. I did not even want to be pretty for him. I didn't want him to want to touch me. I hated him with a passion for the things he did to me. The stuff I wrote above doesn't even describe a small part of it.
I will continue my story and hope to guide others find themselves, just like I did. Please feel free to reach out to me with your stories and questions. I can help you find freedom, love, and happiness!